Yet another night that I failed to go to bed on time, it seemed like it was becoming more of a habit than a random occurrence. I caught myself deep in thought, standing on my veranda at 1:35 AM looking at the pretty backdrop of lights on the other island. Though my gaze was forward, I was really looking backward; thoughts raced through my head without limit and I’ve long since given up on restricting their movement. I allow them to flow; I let them move freely because I realize the significance of reflecting on one’s past, especially when you’re focused on creating a better future.
The subject of God was always important for me, and if someone came along that didn’t share the belief or tried to question it, that was just fine. I allow people to be who they are, and I expect to be who I am at the end of the day. No addictions, no drugs or violence, no bad records, no psyche ward visits; I can walk, talk, eat, read, learn and so much more…I am truly blessed, but it’s was easy to feel the opposite when things didn’t go my way.
I remember near death experiences, being so sick I thought I’d die, feeling alone and confused and not having much for my mind and body to consume. However, the thought that something else, something more was in me kept me going. I know one day I’ll make it, and as I reflected on that thought I realized I’m still on that journey. It has taken years to undo what was done in months, its taken months to plant seeds where weeds were once sowed, and its taken hours of pain to make all the successes you achieved seem like nothing when things don’t go your way.
Then there’s people; people are interesting and some will offer a lecture and a hearing ear, but don’t know how listen. They offer help and give handouts, but when they put their hands out their fists remain balled and closed off to actually putting in the work needed to make a difference. Brows furrow when you succeed, eyebrows raise when you say what you don’t need, and egos get damaged when you stand tall above your problems and someone else couldn’t. Remember…the struggle is always different for every one of us.
I think about the many times I got upset when something didn’t work out. I prayed, begged, desired, wanted, worked and I still fell short. I wanted that relationship to work out so bad, I wanted that opportunity, that job, that business idea to pan out and it just didn’t. The joke is, I smile now, because I’m so happy they didn’t work out. I was saved from so much garbage, from so much more pain because an opportunity, job, relationship or business idea didn’t pan out. People I had sat and ate with turned sour, jobs I sought after weren’t meant for me, opportunities I desired would have limited me and relations lost were lost for a reason.
Everything in it’s due season right ? That’s my message and best believe your time will come; every wrong isn’t for your detriment and every right isn’t for your wellbeing. I’ve had great people tell me some bad things, I’ve had complete strangers treat me better than some family, and I’ve forged friends that I would give my last name for and more.
I guess… I’m saying Thanks in my own way to the people who stood by me even for a minute. To the family, old friends and enemies that tried to tear me down, thank you so much, you’ve done a lot for me too, and I can’t overlook that you were a part of my development.
I pause…my time has come to a close and the sound of a car speeding up the road breaks my trance, causing me to look to the bright street light. I’ll never forget this place; I trained here after hours and used the light to guide my way. It was here that I learned to forge my body, to triumph after failure and most importantly to learn from the mistakes of others.
I exhaled, I had been holding this breath in for some time; I unfolded my arms, unbeknownst to me they had been holding me tight this whole time. I shifted my gaze onward, It was bedtime now, and I had spent enough time tonight being a mental mason.
On A Mission 